Introducing Northolt

Northolt is a fabulous place to walk your dog, play yellow car, or catch a bus or train going somewhere else. Objectively it's a bit of a shithole, but it's my dear shithole.

The nicest things about Northolt are the green spaces; interpret that how you will. There's the picturesque Northala Fields with its four manmade hills, ponds and playgrounds, and Belvue Park with a pretty 14th Century church. There are houses and flats, some shops, two libraries, two high schools and flats and houses. It's nearly a suburban paradise.

The A40 provides a fantastic opportunity for extended hours of yellow car spotting, and the variety of fast food options is vast. If you're still bored and feeling risqué, I'm sure someone somewhere will be selling drugs. Honestly, what more could you want?

A fun random little place is the Jedi Robe shop, selling Star Wars merchandise. It's easy to spot squished between a kebab and poster printing shop. Recently the princess Leia and stormtrooper mannequins in the windows were replaced by cardboard boxes; I wonder if it went bankrupt?

Nicer places like Ealing and Harrow are nearby, so if you're craving a high street that sells books or clothes or literally almost anything other than fried food, you can take the bus there. And if you ever, for some ridiculous reason, feel the irrational urge to get away from this Heaven on Earth, we have a tube and a rail station!

Northolt is not perfect, but the house prices are low, and the people are mostly alright.

Lifehack: if you move somewhere outside the Ealing Borough, no one will know where Northolt is, so you can get away with telling people you're from Ealing (simultaneously tricking them into thinking you're middle class).